Sobriety & Mental Health

Side Room
44

I’ve been procrasting posting this in the other thread, but since my sobriety and mental health are kind of an incestuous mess that it might be more fitting to put it here.
TL:DR version, i’ve been alcohol free for 3 and a half years. On my journey of sobriety, i discovered that i have ADHD and alcohol was actually one of my ways of coping with my symptoms.

Longer version…i have always been a very quiet and shy person. It isn’t because i have nothing to say. I have many thoughts, big thoughts, and some fairly solid opinions that some people could benefit from hearing.

No, i’m quiet and shy because i have a hard time articulating and vocalizing. For lack of a better term, it’s a task paralysis of the tongue.

…fuck. you know what? It’s not just the tongue. I’m having the same difficultly right now, trying to type this.

I get tooo far into my head and all of my thoughts come rushing to the front and i want to just puke it all out at once, but nope…i gotta type it out, one word at a time.

I didn’t really have that problem with alcohol. Sure i still had the big thoughts and options, and it was still difficult, to be sure, but with alcohol i had the courage to make the leap and start talking/typing/writing.
It’s the starting that is key.
Starting the conversation.
Starting the story.
Framing the idea.
Seeing the point you are trying to make and following the thread all the way to the end without derailing your train of thought…

Right now i have three different anecdotes i’d like to share, all relevant to this post but i can’t choose which one.

Grrr.
I am currently having a “Thank God you are pretty, cyclops. shakesmydamnhead” moment.

I don’t have a train of thought. I have a Grand Central Station of thought. Alcohol helped me navigate the mess a little bit.

Dammit…this is taking too long. I usually have to be pretty angry to type something this long. Anger helps me focus on the point easier. But i’m not angry! Quick! SOMEONE CALL ME A COMMUNIST LIB-TARD! I NEED THE BOOST!

oh…right…no one can read this because i haven’t posted it yet…

re-reads what i’ve already typed
That’s it! THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE TO SHOW FROM TWO HOURS OF STARING AT THIS SCREEN?!?

fuck…i should just erase all of this, type the word REDACTED. That will be hilarious. Much laughs.

I’m gonna have to back to this. sigh one more project for the Shame Pile.

But before i go, i want to say…sobriety is fucking hard and it comes with so many different challenges, but holy fuck is it ever worth it. The clarity in which i am aware of myself, as well as my SENSE of self, is probably the greastest gift i gave back to myself.
I’m finally back in the driver’s seat…it’s just that the fucking traffic guestures at brain that is slowing me down.

7 Likes
45

Ironically ive learned how to boss certain stuff from some idmfers, yourself included. :100:

1 Like
46

You know what kind of sucks? A lot of modern pharmaceuticals tend to address (or attempt to address) the issues that spiral out of being overworked, getting no sleep or proper exercise, using drugs (alcohol included), not eating correctly, having a diminished sense of community, etc.

Modern society kind of goes against everything I just mentioned, too, so it’s not like it falls on the individual most of the time. People are feeling burnt-the-fuck out over the long haul. If anyone thinks they’re not up to par with society’s standards, I’d agree – they’re fucking absurd right now.

I mean, I like having names for my demons (I’ve talked about my mental health in all of the other threads so that part is redundant), but the idea that so many people have weird issues now and get thrown diagnoses and pills doesn’t address the possibility that modern society is breeding nearly existential nihilism for a lot of people.

TL;DR: I agree

4 Likes
47

yeah man that’s why I’ve avoided it for so long. I’m still pushing back against the idea of being on a pharm because I can’t live with the fact that these people don’t want me to get better, they just want to sell me drugs. I’m trying it all out but the backlash I’m getting from every core of my being is pretty astoundingly huge.

check this out:

That means a lot @bfk thank you <3

4 Likes
48

49

This is how diabetes feels. Like bankrupting my family once wasn’t enough…

3 Likes
50

There’s this old joke for non-Americans that we used to quote: “In the US, there’s a pill for everything”.

I’ve been living in the US since 2005 and not much has changed. People will buy any pill/medication that is supposed to help them instead of taking responsibility for their lifestyle, make better decisions, and live a better life.

Of course, the pharmaceutical lobby is only too happy to oblige, considering the billions of $$$ that are made as a result of exploiting this mindset.

2 Likes
51

The Pharmaceutical lobby’s dirty secret: there is no money in a cure.

1 Like
52

Oh yeah totally, being a money guy I actually ran the numbers on the NPV I provide buying insulin for a lifetime and it’s something like 3-5 million dollars depending on interest rates and my lifespan. So to make a cure the profitable option some pharmaceutical company would have to come in and charge say 6-7 million USD for a one time cure to diabetes and have that be the more profitable move for them. No insurance is going to pay for that, 4 people would, and then you wasted probably billions of dollars on R/D. So that cure is never coming and I know it. I still donate to JDRF just in case though. Best hope is some bio-tech pharma startup comes up with a cure and brings it to market before they can get bought out by big pharma.

2 Likes
53

Just happened on this one. Timely :laughing:

ambulance
ambulance526×526 51.8 KB

1 Like
54

True story, I’ve OD’d my insulin a few times (used to be really easy when I used the same needles to draw both kinds and the bottles looked similar, so I could take like 10 times what I should have of my fast-acting by mistake). This leads to seizures, and the first 2-3 times we called the ambulance so they could stabilize me. Now, thankfully, this doesn’t happen often, but I prefer to not get the ambulance involved if I have a seizure anymore. It’s not really a money thing so much as even if I’m conscious and stable by the time the paramedics get to me (which I often am) it’s policy that they have to put an IV in my arm. Now, I just got done tweaking the FUCK out, so I’m sore all over and when they give you an IV that arm gets to be extra sore. Then, they proceed to jack my blood sugar up on medical grade sugar water so fast that I vomit. Then they give me something for the nausea and I get to go home 5-6 hours later. It happens like clockwork every time.

AND I get to pay $2000 for all that.

So to bring this back on the topic of mental health I am doing much better the last week or two. I still wish I was doing more at work, but I finally believe that I’m doing “good enough” and I will get to be the worker I want to be in due time. New semester of school starts next week and I’m working ahead already. Catching up on my doctor/insurance stuff, but it’s a backlog that I’m steadily working through. At least I don’t have to worry about whether or not I’m going to have meds next week (which was a real concern at one point).

I hope you all are doing well too.

5 Likes
55

Damn… Sorry you had/have to go through all that shit & happy to hear you’re doing better.

In the case of Imposter Syndrome, I’ve been fighting that quite a bit through the years. It comes and goes. Lately, it’s more rare because I’ve been giving way fewer fucks. What helps is realizing that people above you in the work food chain at a company are rarely more intelligent or capable than you are. The difference is that they get to delegate what they can’t/won’t do…

When you think about it, I’m sure the times where you’ve been tasked to do something and just went “I really don’t know how to do that” are rare if not non-existent. Especially in this day and age, where you can find help/answers on the internet about almost any imaginable topic. Just breathe, use your inner monologue to tell your brain to stop being a dick to you and work with you instead of against you. It’s helped me at times.

2 Likes
56

Your imposter syndrome goes away? I still feel like a tiny alien inhabiting a human’s body, like that weird thing from Independence Day

nthodnngd3s61
nthodnngd3s613024×4032 790 KB

1 Like
57

this is fucked. if you need financial help, we could start a gofundme?

christ my dude… what can we do!!!

2 Likes
58

no worries dude, I’m all set now. Small blip in insurance coverage at the wrong time is all, but I’m back on track.

I do appreciate the offer though.

2 Likes