I don’t have any experiences with this myself, but my parents actually met in AA, sobered up together, and have been together sober for… 33 years?
Not trying to brag, just saying it can be done. I’m not the one to tell their story, so I won’t get into it, but just want you all to know it can be done. For whatever it’s worth, whether you’re trying to make a big change or a little tweak, I’m rooting for you.
That’s amazing about your parents. I also grew up in a sober household, but without the past experience. Drugs and alcohol were just “bad” without any context.
It absolutely can be done. Once I realized I was never alone in this journey I decided to be a bit more open about it publicly because anyone who knows me publicly also knows about my over-the-top-party-animal past. Not like I can damage my reputation any more than I already have lol.
I had to nurture a more humble side of me, which meant asking for help. Personally, I feel reaching out for support to someone who cares about you and won’t judge you but also hold you accountable is one of the best ways to truly get through at least the first month, which can be brutal. It gets easier though, and the demons get quieter. They’ll kinda always be there though. But triggers become more manageable. You just have to wake up every day and commit to pushing yourself to shift old habits. It’s not easy. And withdrawals are a bitch.
I go to meetings occasionally because surrounding myself with people who are dealing or have dealt with addiction are in that room to support each other and feel supported. I’ve had very good experiences with both AA and NA. It’s like the gym, you just have to show up.
Thanks for the replies y’all.
I’ve never reached addiction level myself, but I’ve certainly drunk oceans of alcohol in my life. I was the party animal type and a (sometimes too) friendly drunk, so for a while I couldn’t even envision ever quitting. What would I be without my crazy alter ego that everybody loves?
Then, when the blackouts became more and more frequent, it gradually stopped being fun, because of things I’m told I did when I was wasted. The things I thought I may have done or said were even worse in my mind.
For those who don’t know: a blackout drunk is somebody whose body is still functioning somehow despite a blood/alcohol level that should mean you’re unconscious, and their brain stops creating new memories. If you will, your body is so used to high levels of alcohol/the blood poisoning that you can keep on going when someone else would have passed out or be dead a long time ago, but you only have limited brain capacity.
So in effect, you can be up & drinking for hours, seemingly having a good time, and have zero recollection of what you did or said, whoever you were with, etc., the following day, simply because the memories weren’t created in the first place. It’s a very scary thing, frankly.
One of the (rare) good things about aging is that the hangover recovery time gets worse and longer, to the point where you start thinking: “why am I even doing this?”. So gradually, through the years, I slowed down. I am not interested in ever entirely stopping, because I love great beers and wine, but I know how to stop before I get to the “hell yeah, more, more!!” frame of mind. And yes, not spending any more weekends feeling like shit and hating yourself is a beautiful motivator…
I read this book at some point. It’s insane how much I could relate and how some of the things she did I also did, despite the author being a woman. Highly recommended!
Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/blackout-sarah-hepola/1120481005
Good luck @SUBQUiRE - your awareness means you’re going to make it!
7 months sober here myself, it was an adjustment, but I’ll never hop aboard that train again even casually. Took some rewiring but I’m happy to focus my energy and motivations elsewhere at this point in the game.
7 months is amazing. Keep doing whatever you are doing. It is so worth it.
That’s also enough time for your brain to start to get back to normal – which I know can be weird in and of itself – that was about the time I started to actually experience actual joy from simple things I used to enjoy doing like reading, writing, mixing records etc.
i cut down on alcohol quite a bit this last year or so. I was drinking almost a 6 pack of 9.2% every day and it finally caught up with me. Caused quite a depression/anxiety phase that was hard to get out of. Had suicidal thoughts/ideation for a few months. Getting out of that was super difficult. But once the haze cleared and my body had recovered, it seemed to get better with mental stability. i still do the weed thing but mostly just micro-dosing, like a vape hit every 4-5 hours to help deal with any anxiety issues.
Its hard to get to the point where you’re not drinking to feel something, anything at all that isn’t just bad thoughts.
Yeah sobriety can be lame sometimes. I’m 18 years sober from opiates and last monday I went to the ENT doctor to get my throat scoped (not in a fun way) and the nurse practitioner gave me a little fentanyl along with the lidocaine spray to numb me and ya know, I’d never break my long span of sobriety and go back into that hellish Burroughs-esque lifestyle again, no not ever, but damn I was like… uhhhhhhh wow… thanks for the reminder of how FUCKING AMAZING OPIATES ARE, lady. ugh.
I don’t really go a day without my brain at least reminding of the chase for that feeling of floating on cloud-pillows, and if anything that experience reaffirmed my chosen path away from crushing oxycontin with a hammer on my piano and railing line after line till I forgot who or where I was… but damn. If I ever am stage 4 terminal cancer, I’m definitely going to raid a pharmacy for that shit and put myself to sleep.
I know, that is a really dark way to think, but that’s where my brain goes.
I tried my first SSRI (zoloft) for my manic depression. I did 8 weeks, and I did notice my dark thoughts were getting quite a bit darker, so I’m in the process of tapering off them now. I’m doing ok, no need to worry. I’ve lived with this fuckin brain my whole life and I know how to differentiate. Plus I would never kill myself no matter how much that fuckin demon tells me to. Life can be ugly, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t beautiful beyond description sometimes. Might as well tought it out and see where the story of me goes next…
In case anyone is wondering, I have a small polyp or cyst on my vocal chords, likely caused by acid reflux. I was worried it was cancer at first but that ENT scope confirmed that it isn’t just last week… I’m very relieved. That said, it has caused me to reevaluate my health and steer my choices upward, which is normal when you get to my age (39) I guess. You either try to fix it and be better and treat yo’self better or you keep going down the hole of self-mutilation and substance abuse till you die painfully and alienate everyone around you… I choose the former.
I am just passing along information–when I was seeing a ton of doctors and mental health professionals after detox they all told me THC isn’t good for anxiety, it is the CBD. I don’t know how true this is. I could also see them saying this for my own good (I also abused weed and using it would definitely eventually lead to me drinking, so I abstain). I do still occasionally take a CBD gummy though. More so for pain, as my anxiety is pretty well controlled by psych meds now.
I wonder how common the thought of “if I get a terminal diagnosis, fuck it I’m relapsing HARD” is? Because I have totally thought about that too…
Don’t give up on the psych meds, it can take a while to find the right ones/dosage, but it IS worth it IMO. My anxiety and depression is unmanageable without them.
yeah you’re right you’re right.
Its wierd how much of being socially active…goes against being sober.
It is possible to be sober and socially active…
But most people arent.
maybe it’s the crushing reality that all of this meaningless and there’s a lot of suffering involved in being alive. also, mental illness. not everyone is as capable as you or others. that’s just my perspective. gotta give people a little grace for gravitating toward substances that make them feel a little more confident or less unhappy. that’s just my opinion.
I wrote a giant fucking tl;dr that felt a little to exposed and vulnerable to post publicly, but if you wanna take this convo to DMs or chat I’d be more than happy to send it to you, if not no worries.
I went 33 years without ever having a drink, and i still managed to be social, so it’s totally possible.
Nobody really cares if you’re fucked up, and most people I know don’t like dealing with those people anyway.
I went through a rough patch after my divorce where I self medicated instead of confronting anything, and the only thing that lead to was eventually checking myself into a mental hospital to deal with my uncontrollable anxiety.
Learning how to meditate helped me with all that. I don’t have those issues anymore, and I still like drinking and smoking some weed, but if you’re doing that to cope with something else, then you’re doing it wrong.
I recommend practicing some quick meditation instead of smoking weed for anxiety. Weed makes me jittery and want to clean my house these days.
yeah I definitely believe in the benefits and healing power of meditation. I am going to be even more consistent with that. I have to or I literally feel like I’m going to explode. It’s funny while I was typing that, the chorus line of this song was playing:
@SUBQUiRE After some practice it became a habit, and then I eventually just didn’t need to do it any more. Sometimes I like to get into that state of mind when listening to the tree frogs in the evening, but it’s no longer a survival skill.
Other musings:
I still feel normal human emotions that everybody feels. I don’t necessarily think medication is always the correct path (I got doped up on some stuff by a doctor and it was just awful). There’s no magic pill that’s gonna fix all of a person’s problems, and people are still gonna feel emotions and just have to deal with it.
My old best friend was a terrible alcoholic, and I cut off contact with him for years, but recently I’ve gotten in contact with him again, and he’s been three years sober and seems to be doing well. He was a real piece of shit for more than a few years.
Anyway, I hope you’re staying cool wherever you are (it’s hot out here where I am)!
Medication should be a last resort…but it isnt because with the advent of pharmapsychology its very easy to make money.
Being that youve got people skullfucking themselves into believing that a little bit of anxiety and the inability to cope with trauma and stress means that they need medication…
There are some psychologists that do their job and care…but there are others that are a part of the pharmapsychological industry of whom are trying to make money. Not there are people that need medication i.e. schizos…but im talking about the average person that doesnt know any better.
Also ive noticed that some people as a result of habitual heavy drug usage it can mess with the natural neurochemical balance over long periods of time. The older you get the harder it is to bounce back.
But Im not a doctor but ive just noticed this through my own experience with some friends who have exhibited erratic behavior.
As far as meditation goes…i just reflect and ponder by trying to think of things from different perspectives…and try to see things through the eyes and consciousness of others through sober half naps…and try to make sense of the dreams that i do remember.
But yeah, as far psychotherapy goes make sure that you see someone that doesnt prescribe a pill to fix every one of your problems and that actually listens to you and works to expand your thought processes.
Good luck, and take care. 
This is a very rational and logical way of thinking which many, many people with anxiety and mental health issues may struggle to do. It’s not that easy for those people. If it was, they may not have the metal health issues in the first place.
Honestly, having a tough time the last few weeks mental health wise. That’s new for me, I’ve always been under stress and dealt with it by being able to shut off. Then I got covid and worked from bed for two weeks. There’s no shutting off, so I just kept working and studying and trying to be perfect at my new job. Now I am struggling with one thing, out of like 20, that I’ve been tasked with, and I have myself completely convinced that I’m going to lose this job in 6 months like I did my last one. What made me feel a bit better was when I searched “how to be more confident” the search auto-filled “at work”. I read a few things and it sounds like I might have imposter syndrome, like for reals. So, I’m probably just in my own head right now and just need to keep showing up and trying. Also, apparently improving your posture can help you psychologically, and if there’s one place I have room for improvement it would be my posture.
One thing that made me feel better was the second job (my old job) that I’ve kept for like 10 months on a part time basis since leaving last year, I told them today that I quit - politely and professionally, but I do quit. Not having this bubbling away at the back of my mind is a relief. I wish this weekend had been more restful, because I was catching up on that second job. But at least I won’t have to do that anymore. I can just focus on my new job (and school, which is it’s own kind of stress right now because I’m studying for finals next week, though that will pass), try to get out of my head, and build some confidence at this new place.
So I think I’m though the worst of this, but I have some thinking to do to make sure I don’t let it get that bad again. I don’t want to feel that way again. And for so long, I just let this go thinking it would pass for over a week while it was just getting worse and worse.
Oh dude… I completely feel you on this. Mine is because I have almost died a few times (some major close calls) I definintely have convinced myself without realizing it I’m on extra time. Where a stable person might be trying to live each day to the fullest, I find myself crumpling up. I’m doing a lot better now and thank you guys above for the words. Again @bfk, I think your way of thinking is very rational and I truly wish I could say that I am boss mothafucka at keepin my nose clean and my eye on the prize, but yeah it’s just an upward battle.
@White_Noise it sounds like you took a huge weight off your chest and I’m happy for ya. Good luck with finals. I’m sure everything will work out great, and if it doesn’t really, you tried!
I hope things keep moving toward the light! Be good to yourself man. My wife and I have this phrase that has become our mantra: “It’s probably fine.” It actually eases my anxiety a lot when I am stressed about big things to come… or if I’m not sure if that steak from last week in the fridge is still ok to eat, and I eat it anyway.
It’s probably fine.
I got so much work to do to get there but just having a trajectory for my future after being Lost + Directionless, or ALOOF rather, for so long… there’s definitely hope and I’m starting to actually formulate a 1, 5, and 10 year plan for honestly? the first time in my life.
(hehe just had to do a little @candlesayshi shout out)
Be kind to yourselves everyone. Appreciate the openness and sharing. 
Hahaha, funny story I almost wrote that I was more stressed these last few weeks than when I almost died. I was 3 years old and comatose (through no fault of my own), but that totally changed the trajectory of my life. My memory starts reliably as I left the hospital from that whole ordeal (and I pretty vividly remember my family getting to deal with the fallout of my medical bills). I only have a few snippets from before then, so it was really like a rebirth where I set off towards becoming who I am today. Everyone who did know me back then says that even as a 3 year old you could tell it had changed me.
I could write a book trying to dig into how I feel about all that (I actually tried once but gave up because it was just a bunch of unconnected ramblings I couldn’t tie together). Though I get what you’re saying about “extra time”. I feel that way too, sometimes I feel like I’ve already done my time here on earth and IDK why I keep showing up. Don’t worry, I’m not going to off myself or anything, just… after seeing what the end is like sometimes it’s hard to find purpose in all the other stuff I do.
Anyways, I don’t know how much any of that pertains to this discussion. It’s just a hell of a thing I don’t get to talk about much but it’s on my mind pretty much every day.