Sobriety & Mental Health

Side Room
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Hey all,

It has been forever since I posted here and even longer since I posted here coherently.

As I write this I am 6 months clean from alcohol and drugs. There have been many steps I’ve taken to reach this point. It needed to happen for a long time and it finally did, and I’m better because of it.

My life has changed so much since I decided to take this path. I have had some of the most incredible experiences in my life while dealing with addiction and now that I am on the upward turn in coping with it I thought it would be good to start a thread for people who are sober or want to be. If you want to share your story, this is the place to do it.

Having been a part of building this community over the last 14 years I wanted to reach out and start a thread focused on this topic.

I’m hella sober now. Let’s talk about it. :slight_smile:

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Edit: will properly delete this post when the forum lets me.

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Congratulations on your recovery. We’ve both made it over the hardest part, so I’ve heard.

I’m “lucky” because I had a series of extreme events happen to me that should’ve convinced me to go clean, all of which culminated to one single event that made me realize that I should have died, and didn’t, by the saving grace of a higher power, the Creator, aliens, the universe, or just pure luck.

My best friend in New Orleans overdosed on fentanyl-laced cocaine that I was supposed to have bought from him that same night. Had he not died first and had I been there with him when he did it, I would have died too. Side note, I am 14 years clean from opiates and heroin, and my friend was 3 years clean. Our original bonding as friends was based on that camaraderie that arises from a mutual trauma. However, he and I both also bonded on the fact that we loved doing all of the other drugs available.

My alcoholism played a big part in my drug use at this point, and I was hitting the bottle pretty hard. After my friend died, I just… stopped wanting it. I was hungover for probably 3 weeks, for the lack of a better way to describe it. At first I thought my friend relapsed and heroin overdosed, but upon the toxicology report it turns out it was all a mistake on his part, he just did some laced shit and it killed him almost instantly… it made me realize that the big players in the drug world are using users as lab rats by putting laced substances into the supply chain, thereby killing us off. It made me realize that by doing these drugs I was guaranteeing an eventual instant death for myself. It’s kind of like how people describe your whole life flashing before your eyes.

At that point I realized the only way to stop doing cocaine was to stop drinking too, because my cocaine and alcohol use went hand in hand (couldn’t have one without the other, the urge was too strong). So I decided it was time to step into the sober world.

It’s had its difficulties but I’ve received nothing but love and support from the people around me so if anyone out there reading this is struggling I can tell that you if you truly want to be sober, the doors to do so will open up for you if you’re honest with your people about your struggle. There are many ways for everyone to get clean and even though society as a whole tends to shun people struggling like this, I’m pretty sure if you just have one person out there who loves you and cares for you they will help you get sober.

You just have to actually want it.

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I have a friend going through something…im trying to be there instead of being a bystander. Not posting their business online. But their story is almost similar to yours.

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much love and support for everyone going through these steps. It’s a long path, first even realizing how deep this fucking addiction trouble goes, and then maintaining the lifestyle we want for ourselves. It’s like you said, you literally have to rewire your brain so you can enjoy moments of your life you used to associate with substance consumption (and abuse most probably). Life is good, without anything dealers or store owners are trying to sell to you. It’s gonna be alright.

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And sometimes the rewiring is done for you!

Once you realize that everything in your life that happens for a reason, whether seemingly random or not, it is the catalyst to help you break through. There’s no way I could come to the understanding of the world and my own self and my rock bottom without first going through it and having that direct message from the source sent to my brain to redirect me.

I’m glad that the discussion is more candidly on the table than it was when I first started using because I wouldn’t have come out of this alive without the support and love from my friends.

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Yeah they’re putting fentanyl in everything these days. They produce so much of this stuff on a mass scale it’s actually cheaper to cut shit with it than regular cutting agents one would get at a store. Things now are much different than when I was using. It’s literally life and death out there. That used to be said back in the day but the statement carries much more weight now than it did 10 years ago.

As I’ve said before, good on you Wayne for finally putting it all down. It’s a terrible thing that had to happen to your friend. Hopefully you can find some way to put it to good use. Be it in life or death, everyone is a teacher. Like it or not your friend taught you something that now seems to be of value.

On a related note…

When I first joined this forum I was super fucked up. Went to treatment in 2011 and haven’t looked back since. Much like @SUBQUiRE I too had a desire to share what happened to me, my journey through addiction, and my journey out of it. The IDMf Netlabel was gracious enough to give me an opportunity to do that. My release IDMf043: of Storybook & Sound is all about that journey. In hindsight there are many different things I would have done both with the mix and musically with the release. But I suppose it has a certain charm and captures a moment in time that I’m rather proud of. Included with the release is a rather lengthy PDF that I wrote which details the last several years of my use and subsequent recovery.

I don’t take too many opportunities to spam link my Netlabel release but being as it applies I’ll leave it here. Most everything I have learned about music production I have learned right here at IDMf. As such I am grateful for the community, forum and associated Netlabel for giving me the platform to get this out there when I needed to most.

Fun Fact - All of the vocal samples on this release are my kids, who I recorded reading children’s stories, then edited down to the bits that applied to what I was trying to communicate at the time.

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Back in the day they used to lace a blunt with angel dust…and passing needles around is just asking for HIV. I mean the most I’ve ever did was weed…but the other stuff I knew that If I od’ed I’d die…or I would be living like a homeless person in a sort of hellish existing essentially like Frank Gallagher from shameless. And I was a stupid kid growing up,…also If someone didnt kick my ass when I was younger I probably would be an ignorant homeless addict.

But yea if they cut drugs and lace it with other stuff to cut costs and give their customer base more bang for the buck in the 90s I can only imagine how much worse it is now with designer shit…and everyone with enough info at their fingertips to be a homestyle chemist and able to make their own k2.

Im happy for you, sobriety is a big adjustment. I’ve personally never had such struggle with drug addiction so I cant really relate or offer any advice. From any outsiders point of view all I can say is that when you have those extremely shitty days…like when you fight with you sig…other…and your boss gives you crap about crap…or it’s the anniversary of that shitty moment that caused you to hit rock bottom…or even a simply trigger…do not give into the uber nihilism that will cause you to seek an escape route.

Alternative…have something that is like a laxative for the mind body and soul…whether it be long distance running. Music jam sessions. Or even projects where you are required to build stuff.
Basically anything that is cleansing.

Replace alcohol with chamomile tea or any kind of tea and honey.
Replace the drugs maybe with exercise…exercise releases endorphins or something I think and some experience a runners high.

I dont know do what works for you.

If your really stressed you can always do that pay a few bucks to destroy a room thing that they have.

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@RFJ I always appreciate your story and how it ties in with the forum. It’s funny because back then I was at the height of my debauchery and I saw you getting sober from over here and I was like, hey that’s cool good for him, maybe I’ll do that someday. I never believed that I would be sitting here right now, sober, saying this to you at any point either. I thought I would be dead first. Thanks for your input dude. Thanks for still being alive to tell the story, and thanks for being here.

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With cannabis you do have to be careful with how you approach it. Because you can either use it as a tool or it can use you and turn you into a couch potato. I’ve had great success using it as a tool and I endorse it, but yeah you definitely need to be mindful with it and your intentions. Same with DMT and Ketamine and other pyschoactives.

Using chemicals as a tool as opposed to a numbing agent.

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Part of my return to the living has been setting up my new studio in Sacramento, California. It’s been a, like, holy shit! awesome kind of day today. I have had a total “high on life” moment because for the first time in my life, I feel like my studio is actually coming together. I’ll post pics and shit on another stream or thread or whatever but I wanted to touch base here and say that I couldn’t have reached this without first deciding to be sober. It took a lot of pain to get here and it’s really so amazing that it’s all finally happening for me.

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Yeah man, I totally see that. Good on you.

I know for me getting fucked up = poor impulse control = bad decisions. Making good, informed decisions without the monkey on my back is my favorite part of being sober. Big projects like putting together the studio you always wish you had is so much easier with a clear head. Not to mention all the money you save on not buying shit.

Looking forward to seeing the setup!

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For what it’s worth @SUBQUiRE, I never once had a problem with you.

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Happy holidays even with the whole covid social distancing thing you still can talk over the phone with people that your close to.

So…hoping that your holiday was good sober.

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my last post under my og account was about going down a road i didnt want to but had to. addiction is a black cloud on your back. music dont sound the same, cant have fun without booze etc. its a fucked up adjustment but its either that or sobering up in a cell wondering how you got there

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3 days off booze. I know my red flags now. I started to brown out. It needed to happen. It creeps in and starts to get ugly once I start browning out all the time, forgetting conversations, saying stupid dumb shit, and hurting people as well as myself. I always set my initial goals small. Right now my goal is a week. Once I make it a week, I’ll keep extending. Feeling better already. I’m going to set up a rewards system for myself for milestone marks as well.

Probably will start going to meetings again.

Sober activities are back in swing. I’m gardening a lot more. Hoping to get on the bike trail a little more consistently. Yoga. Meditation. Music.

Might start taking medication for my mental health issues (depression, mania, anxiety). Have yet to talk to a professional yet but will soon.

<3

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Over here cheering for you. I know I wouldn’t be sober without therapy and psych meds. It can take time to find the right meds/dosages, but worth the time to figure it out.

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I find setting the goals small to be the best approach with anything. So you’re on the right track. Keep it up.

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Hope the sober (and not sober) folks are doing well.

I rarely keep track unless it feels noteworthy, but I’m coming up on 4 years now. I looked at the calendar the other day and thought, “Well, shit”. It’s weird to think that I haven’t woken up with that terrible feeling of regret in that long, but even at the 4 year mark it’ll just be another random day on earth.

I think I’d genuinely rather die than drink again, but I might be kind of the rarer type

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That’s honestly amazing man, thanks for sharing. I envy that feeling. Every time we fall off and come back we have to remember how good we felt when we were on track. Hey that rhymed.

I’m feeling pretty great myself lately, have had a lot of breakthroughs and moments of clarity. Been riding my bike a lot and fixing things around the house, and also making music, which is awesome.

I started some medication that is very strict about not drinking (like if I do, it turns me into a blacked out psycho), so it’s been a lot easier to avoid temptation with that hanging over my head.

Journaling is a fantastic way to not only keep track of my progress but also materialize your feelings and thoughts into the world. Like @Manton said, small goals are good. Doing one thing a day that brings me closer to being the person I envision in my future is a successful day.

“Scope your sequence.” - Some hippie bro from a dumb rock climbing show I watched once

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