It’s a weird paradox; that dread was always 1,000% worse for me when I was a drinker. Obviously it goes away for brief periods but each time it comes back worse, sort of forcing you to process it all at once. When you’re sober all the time, processing emotions in real time isn’t something you can wriggle out of, no matter how good or bad they are.
Also, I’d argue that you generally miss the ‘good’ moments, too, mostly to blackouts and only half-remembering through reconstruction what actually happened the night before. Even cool bonding experiences just kind of wash away like they never even happened at all.
Having or finding purpose through community service helps.
But balancing fun with friends and responsibilities.
Having fun isn’t going to Vegas doing a bunch of blow, and blowing three paychecks on prostitutes and gambling and clubbing trying to hookup with people…such can have major consequences that can ruin your life eventually.
Because it’s you being a slave to addictions and doing that stuff when your 60 is like bro come on.
Having fun with friends is…surfing, bbqing with a pool, concerts, jamming musically, playing sports…being a car enthusiast and working on cars…etc…
One of the lesser known slogans but oft spoken amongst LV locals is “Las Vegas: Come on vacation, leave on probation”. Blow and prostitutes can definitely lead to a visit to CCDC and finding out that Las Vegas has court 7 days a week.
So… I fell off the wagon a bit… Maybe that fall where you stick your hand out to keep from hitting the pavement completely. Kinda ended up in a bad place Friday night and bought a tall can while out grabbing stuff for dinner. Actually sat on the couch arguing with myself over drinking it, but ended up doing it anyways.
Nothing since then, which I’m happy about, but miffed that I gave into it in the first place.
The hardest thing is that cycle where you feel stupid/badly for messing up, and as for me, it’s like “well fuck it, the wagon’s way up the trail and I’m here, might as well get fucked up till the next wagon arrives.” then you’re just like goddammit. loop loop loop. it’s really about noticing your inner dialogue and realizing that you’re just a human being and it’s ok, we all screw up our plans and hurt ourselves sometimes. BUT DID YOU DIE? did you wreck irreparable damage on yourself or someone else? were you arrested? oh ok you just embarrassed yourself? well shit buddy, it’s not the end of the world. that wagon stopped when you fell off and it will start rollin again when you jump back on.
These are complex topics for sure, and everyone has their own interpretation of them, but something tells me you made the right choice and that’s not a small accomplishment at all; it’s absolutely huge. I’ve never been physically addicted to anything in my life, but the amount of things people are willing to part with before they hit rock bottom is sometimes… everything. The fact that you found a reason and decided to stop is something to celebrate, IMO.
I’ve been considering hosting a private online share group over stream on my Discord server once a week where we check in with each other and allow space to vent. topics can be life, addiction, an opportunity to brag, a safe space to unload. if anyone would be interested in something like that let me know. i’ve been in some men’s groups like that and it feels good to have that outlet. doesn’t have to be gender specific, definitely queer friendly. i know we have some trans & binary folks on here.
maybe we call it more of a “creator’s colloquium”, a gathering of us gentle-folks doing a semi-structured one hour meeting that can operate in a similar form that AA does, without the chanting, definitely more of the hand hugging, and you can even show up drunk if you want. the main point is for us to have a safe space to vent or share or get something off our chest. maybe the one real is don’t be a cunt, we’re here to support each other.
each week draw our names out of a hat so the meeting roles rotate and it’s
10 Min Admin/Announcements - No religious shit. We should have some sort of agnostic thing we all say together, because positive mantras are healthy. Maybe we can all recite the Bene Gesserit Litany of Fear to open or something lol. This person basically maintains the flow of it and runs the meeting. Speaks announcements (such as upcoming events or releases from attending members.
New volunteer “special speaker” each week who has the floor to share for 15-20 min about WHATEVEr they want while we all listen without interruption. you can rant about your significant other or job, or you can lead us in a guided meditation. up to you.
ten minute Q&A or commentary from listening audience
Final section of meeting: open floor for people to speak up and share their thoughts, frustrations, struggles, or successes.
yessir I’m going to be posting a video about it later today which I’ll post in this thread and also make a new thread. I think this would be a good thing and I’m happy to host it (probably from Google Meet or Zoom so that people can be anon if they want) but I’ve already got the Discord server setup from 8 years ago – called Colloquium actually – back when you and I were starting out making videos, and I figure I will use that as a landing pad for this. I would love to help build a community that offers the simple concept of listening and uplifting each other where we can, and also provide a safe space where you can bitch about your problems hehe
welllllllllll obviously i got distracted by wintery things being wintery and never got a thing moving forward but i have it all setup to execute when the time is right.
really the distraction was alcohol though. it’s always the foundation of the thing that removes the Me from where it wants to be.
i’ve committed to working the steps, and in the program again. woop woop Bill’s story here we go again! no, but it’s good, i feel good. i was able to see the dimming lights before they went out and relight them again. sobriety is hard, especially when you’re a stubborn little shit like me. I keep thinking about 2020 and all of the light it brought me, and my desire to return to that outweighs the desire drink.
been riding my bike a lot. going on walks. listening to books. going to AA meetings. i have the best home group right next to my house in a park on my lunch breaks. God, of my own understanding, is good. i made it to 11 days. that’s something! it’s not easy man, but also, it’s not hard when you’re focused on it.
i’ve realized that i am most likely allergic to alcohol. i mean like, physically. i think i always have been. not to where it would kill me but where it creates this shell around me that isn’t me – all the while the real Me is tapping from the inside like let me the fuck out. and it’s such a loop in how it can convince me that i’m not allergic. that " just one drink is fine". then come the slopes, all of their slipperiness. the slopes.
i like living in the light. it’s so much better. grateful for family and friends, and life.
Yeah, that’s the loop and that’s how it distorts your thinking. It gets clearer over time, imo, but it seriously takes some time to see the picture as clearly as you can, and even that isn’t a perfect representation of it. You’re not alone in this, even though it certainly feels lonely when you’re going through it.
Hell yeah, man. You’ve got this. I’ve never regretted a single day sober and I get this feeling you won’t, either. If you can do just one day, you can do them all. That gets less cheesy over time, too.
