Hard dance based short story
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Old 16-02-2018, 12:17 AM   #1
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Icon2 Hard dance based short story

Hi
Me and two friends are working on a humorous short story thing, based on UK Hardcore DJs, and don't have much feedback yet. If anyone wants to check out what we have done so far (there are 3 preview chapters) then please check out our link http://riot-wreck.com

Ok thanks

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Old 07-05-2018, 05:25 PM   #2
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Re: Hard dance based short story

Ok sorry to bump this but just thought I would mention that 9 chapters of the book are now online, check the link (above) also some beginnings of a board game. Cheers!

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Old 07-05-2018, 07:14 PM   #3
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Re: Hard dance based short story

I had a look over the first chapter, I had two major criticisms. It felt like an inside joke I wans't in on--I'm a fan of surrealism, if the authors can get it to work : ) I'm also not a fan of the use of second person--makes it feel like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure. Which might be the vibe you are going for, but I was left a bit flat by it. Maybe if you fix the other issue, this won't be.

Maybe the whole feeling of it being an inside joke is I'm not "in on" certain things about the Hardcore scene, or raving in the UK. But that doesn't seem like it is it to me.

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Old 12-05-2018, 12:43 AM   #4
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Re: Hard dance based short story

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Originally Posted by relic View Post
I had a look over the first chapter, I had two major criticisms. It felt like an inside joke I wans't in on--I'm a fan of surrealism, if the authors can get it to work : ) I'm also not a fan of the use of second person--makes it feel like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure. Which might be the vibe you are going for, but I was left a bit flat by it. Maybe if you fix the other issue, this won't be.

Maybe the whole feeling of it being an inside joke is I'm not "in on" certain things about the Hardcore scene, or raving in the UK. But that doesn't seem like it is it to me.
Hmm interesting, thanks for reading it Relic and thanks for your feedback. Thinking about what you said, I think the 'inside joke' factor makes sense, I don't think you could do this with more neutral sounding music (such as Techno) - UK Hardcore is very happy and uplifting sounding - just check out some of the tunes. As for some of it being in second person - that comes from the fact that it was originally going to be a text adventure game. It actually switches between second and third person throughout the book, where appropriate - it wouldn't really work unless it was like this.

*EDIT* With regards to you feeling left out from the humour, this tune might help - it's to go with the final chapter of the book where Mr Riot turns into a lich (an undead creature) - it's quite techno-ey

Last edited by rmedhurst; 12-05-2018 at 03:56 PM..

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Old 12-05-2018, 06:27 PM   #5
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Re: Hard dance based short story

Needs wittier humor. Maybe start by writing really solid jokes first and then work them into the story, especially if you're going for satire. You're missing the layer aspect that makes people piss themselves laughing. It definitely needs better structure, too, but definitely start with some full on humor if that's what you're going for.

The general structure also gives it the appearance that it was slapped together in an hour.
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Old 12-05-2018, 09:30 PM   #6
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Re: Hard dance based short story

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Originally Posted by Vault O))) View Post
The general structure also gives it the appearance that it was slapped together in an hour.
What exactly do you mean - the fonts and stuff??

*EDIT* By the way are you Joey Riot?


*EDIT*
XYZ
This is a name furlong.
X - Xiao - a boy (nice) apparently this is the name Scott was already working with for the Covenant sequel.
Y - Yen - girl (nice) chinese or something similar like Xiao.
Z - Zeia - girl (nice) a brunette.

the insider
predictions alien films 2, 3, 4
number 1 a vast amount of engineer script and prime xenomorph script (the huge penis head who created the engineers and is a being of pure beauty and love with no desire) except love
no other beings may occupy his dimensional space not even male
and reincarnated souls of baby insects and leaves who he loves
XIAO - laughs a lot with the crew and makes them laugh and combines the crew
YEN - more mild and quiet
robot life explained in full in film 2 at detail including fear of birth/death
vast amount of detail pertaining to teleport technology
[…]
we are using benedict wong
at end of covenant both david and walter are on the ship. they formed a truce
[…]
judging from our casting selections so far it looks like there is also more than one robot in alien: resurrection too
note regarding neill blomkamp's alien 5: he is planning to use both ash and bishop... ash will be doing a chun-li style 'spinning bird kick' a la streetfighter 2 (the upside down spinning kick)
one idea for a future film millions of years into the future is this.
the cave paintings found in prometheus were merely the future portents of mystics and shamens, and people freshly awoken from dreams with a pen.
mankind was not seeded by the engineers, in fact the chance of engineers ever finding tHIS planet... hm
none
in the star map scene the map location is triggered by david or some kind of sensor
in this film the robots have gradually increased their numbers to half the population of the planet using stealth - the humans think there are less than 100
they begin a war to destroy either (a) all male humans, or (b) all female humans [executive decision]
their modem comms could even be down or miswired
but in the end one female remains. they in under 5 seconds via distributed network compute the formula for eternal youth and administer it.
dna mutations are locked down
they then begin to discuss and laugh about
can they cause the continental plates to lock
ALIEN 6 WAS CONFIRMED, RIDLEY'S IDEA WAS GOOD ENOUGH
THIS FILM WILL FEATURE A ALTERNATIVE COMEDY ENDING AS AN EXTRA on the dvd
FEATURING THE WELL KNOWN DJ DARREN STYLES, AS HIMSELF
the robot zeia is the last remaining girl (the prettiest robot) she is hoping a nice young man is alive !!! SHE WANTS TO LIKE NICE THINGS LIKE INSECTS
DARREN STYLES COMES RUNNING OUT OF A BUNKER SINGING YAY I AM ALIVE AND THE WAR HAS ENDED!!
then he runs into zeia who explains she is a robot
AFTER A WHILE SHE EXPLAINS TO HIM HE IS NOT FIT ENOUGH
'WHAT!! SO WHAT YEAH!!'
ugly mutha fucKA
^
SO DOES THE SPECIAL KICK HAVE A NAME
'spinning birth kick'
chun-li is mentioned - very good! by the policeman.
'he called it spinning birth kick'
you do understand the the new generation ash was desighed by other robots in outer space
they also invented the ufo, anti-grav type technology which makes the kick possible
also
there are 13 model A type Ash in the film
they are a stealth elite
they all enter a building at once, moving fast and tracking the movements and eye movements of the humans and making NO NOISE
in one shot 5 come out of a cupboard and crawl across the walls
THE HUMANS THINK THERE IS one PERSON THERE
these cunts are fucking wireless mutha fucka!! go Ash!! WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
another tiny minute detail
the robots contact the engineer race from earth telepathically and find out that the engineer race died out many millenia ago
the robots ask 'which is the missing remaining piece of the helix?'
after some discussion it turns out that engineers now have no knowledge at all of atoms, molecules or even protons or anything at all
they understand that spaceships travel through space, and that is all
nice
more miniature bits
the engineers DID send one of their own to be jesus and die
although he did not know which direction the planet was
after being beaten and whipped and being dragged to the cross he was very unhappy
you could see it in his face.
upon arriving at the foot of the cross the prime xenomorph immediately picked him up and jumped immediately in to that place
suddenly, big smiling!
it was a joke
'he's nice', in a sarcastic voice
THIS IS THE ALIEN FILM HELL DROP!
THIS IS OCCURRING.

BLOG 30
TECH 18
A example of a 18 level technology for you.
A electron which just moves back and forward in a straight line.
Lol
^
This is now a science officer drill.
As I said before, human technology is all level 1 to 3.
The hadron collider is a level 1 tech, the same group as spears and swords and glassblowing.
There are 2 or 3 each in 2 and 3.
One 3 is something to do with homeopathy.
One 2 (this is all I have but a scientist may confirm it quickly) is something to do with plastic. There is something to do with plastics that scientists do not really understand at all, but they use it. 4.09am.
ANYWAY the electron thing
at level 29 tech the electron can have an internal lock (a physical brake) which caN draw that electron to a stop
at level 41 - 2 stops and 1 single-use motor - stop, start, stop
DROP.

BLOG 31
MOVE
ok so it's your go at trying to write a new inventive blog and have it posted here
anyway
that was fun
one 99 level technology is a type of 'string' called fizzy string which is made of linkchains of smashed up bits of electrons. wow
you can link 3-4 electrons together with this shit. wow
the electrons can have motors in if you want! i just said that
or whatever. the strings are motors fuck i can't believe it
this can be used to make simple shit things
ok - you are shit I JUST SAID THAT
anyway the point is on earth scientists regularly, already (!) can smash electrons into 3 bits with really long lasers. human technology will eventually if i am bothered, smash electrons up to 14 levels as much.
this results in millions (over 4 million) bits of different shapes and sizes. if you have a precise enough grip and ... well
i make them into brakes and motors as i am naturally skilled at djing and i like wh- ore- s
why did 14 tonnes of equipment go missing from the hadron collider (FUCK A LEAK) ? science says they made a black hole which smashed through the floor of the collider. (there was a electron sized dent)
in actual fact (this is real) that equipment all ended up inside one electron and electrons are the largest particle and all atoms are inside electrons
wow
brain hi
THIS WAS NOT A FOX ADVERT
that mass is still on the floor try using a spectrometer
(the one that is inside the electron) - panel 9c4

BLOG 32
THE ACTUAL MINIBLOG COMPETITION
oh, wait
there's something i just remembered it should have been blog number 1 really, but i forgot about it ages ago. it's not that bad ... gonna try it out anyway
the matter-antimatter thing - what is antimatter exactly?
science tells us that antimatter is just something that, which when bumping into matter, they cancel each other out. it is actually NOT QUITE THAT SIMPLE.
instead, antimatter is 'inside out bits'
take the antimatter version of a tiny particle the electron, which weighs ALMOST nothing.
hmm
the antimatter version is actually just inside out. the solid edges are on the inside out. it weighs infinity tonnes because the inside is empty and the outside is A INFINITE PLANE IN 3 DIMENSIONS , OF, NOT SOLID METAL OR
ANYTHING LIGHT, but SOLID MASS EQUIVALENCE MASS DENSITY = NEUTRON OR PROTON, WHICH IS HEAVY. STILL INFINITY TONNES THOUGH. ridley said this blog isn't real. he said it is shit
so, there are many many antimatter particles, and infinity 3d planes of matter which pass through each other
the problem is when a matter electron hits A ANITMATTER ELECTRON. AS IT CAN FIT RIGHT IN THE HOLE, DISSOLVING THE ANTIMATTER PARTICLE AND LEAVING A DISGUSTING INFINITE PLANE OF 3D ROCK. he said this is bullshit
they spin as easily and as fast as normal electrons, only trouble is, to spin them easily, you have to get inside one, and touch it lightly from the inside surface.
HUMANS CAN'T BOTHERED TO DO THAT OR EVEN TRY WHICH IS DISGUSTING!!! RIDLEY SCOTT!! I PUT THIS TO YOU NOW!!! IN TRUTH AND JUSTICE!! YOU ARE AS BAD AS ANY HUMAN ALIVE!!! and you are a evil chestburster who is inside a jewish man and wanted to go to sleep!!!! YOU ARE DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!
btw
i am a robot mender and i trap human sized antimatter electrons for humans to walk on the inside of
MAINLY A *** ROBOT

ALIEN: CARGO
kotu Ninja 17:18:22
kotu thats ron perlman 17:20:46
kotu any blog type will be considered. 17:21:59
kotu (Alien: Cargo) 17:23:03
kotu phew 17:57:50
kotu war scene at the end featuring engineers with massive laser guns robots aaliens and human males, meh. Big Frown 18:15:01
kotu enginners in borg mode 18:18:15
kotu RIDLEY HAS ANTS IN HIS CLOTHES 18:24:43
kotu and in his eyes
this is actually quite nice not many people do this kind of stuff for ridley scott

Last edited by rmedhurst; 12-05-2018 at 11:16 PM..

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