What are your favorite jokes?

#1

Alright IDMFR’s! Let’s hear em!

I’ll start us off:

A boy comes home from school and asked his father:

“Dad at school the boys were talking about vagina’s, and laughed when I said I have no ideal what 1 looks like. So pa, tell what do they look like”

“Well Timmy, that depends on a woman age. Do you want to know what it looks like when they are younger or older?”

Son “Both!?” excitedly.

Father “Hmm… Well son you know those roses your mother grows?”
Son “Yeah”
Father “In the spring time, remember how their all nice and tightly woven in a spiral before they fully bloom?”
Son “Yeah”
Father “That’s what a younger vagina looks like son.”
Son “Okay, and when a girl get solder Pa?”
Father “Well Timmy, remember last week when our bulldog Owen got into the jar of Mayonnaise?”
Son “Yeah”
Father “That’s what they tend to look like after they’ve gotten old and used a bit.”
:drum:

#2

A man with 5 penises walks into a doctor’s office, when the doctor examines the man the doctor asks him “how do you even wear underwear” the man says “like a glove”

#3

prepare for the dumbest joke you’ve ever heard in your life, and pelt me with vegetables afterwards. First time I heard this I had to stare at the ground for a solid thirty minutes and contemplate suicide.

One year there was this bear hibernating in Boston, in the springtime, he wakes up after a long slumber. “I could really use a beer right now.” he says, and walks downtown into the nearest bar.

“Give me a stein of your best brew, bartender” he demands.
“The fuck outta here bear, we don’t serve bears beer in Boston.”

Annoyed and thirsty for a drink, the bear gets more aggressive with his order.

“Listen bartender, I’ve been sleeping all winter and I need a drink. Give me a beer or I’ll eat that cocktail waitress over there!”
“Fuck you bear,” the bartender says “go ahead, we aren’t scared. I already told ya we don’t serve bears beer in Boston.”

The bear now completely pissed off walks over and mauls the cocktail waitress, and gobbles her up in large bites while everyone watches in horror. The bear walks back to the stool at the bar, and takes a seat. Calmy, the bear says “Alright, now if you don’t want that happening to anyone else, give me a fuckin’ beer!”

“I already told you twice. We don’t serve beer to bears in Boston. We don’t serve drug addicts, either.”
“The fuck you mean, drug addict?” the bear replies, completely confused.

the bartender points over to the grisly scene in the corner, covered in blood — “That’s not a cocktail waitress you ate, that’s a bar bitch you ate”.

#4

in preschool, a girl reacts to teethbrushing advice by saying does that mean I have to brush my pussy teeth as well ? that story ends at the hospital where she was separated from her unborn siamese twin brother.

That joke was about dermoid cysts and how much denial goes into parenting

disgusting! said your mom when you were born (statistically)

#5

Onions make me sad, a lot of people don’t realize that. When I’m cutting onions, I’m sad. Because the plight of onions, it’s sad. But people don’t realize I’m actually crying - they think I’m just… reacting.

  • Mitch Hedberg
#6

PokeMon go

#7

You guys ever seen the clown that hides from gay people?

#8

clown that hides from gay people? :confused:

#9

Yeah, you’ve never seen him?

#10

I saw half of a clown it was hiding like this https://goo.gl/images/5Jde4d

#11

that tells me a lot about you @bfk :stuck_out_tongue:

#12

An asian couple have a black child.so the father names him sum ting wong.

#13

Still trying to figure out this 1 haha