3 days cold turkey off the nicotine
and fucking GOUT hits me yesterday morning? ? Now I’m waking up at 2AM, craving a vape, shuddering in sheer foot pain, fighting a gram of ibuprofen in my gullet?
Fuckin’ hell man someone just come blap me and end this shit.
What’s next week, kidney stones (again?)
YEEKS
Quitting internet has not gone well…still find myself chasing the net dragon…
Good news is im detoxing from the effect that comes from being exposed to some dark shit on the net…so yea going from xbox360 game chat to normal person.
Movement/DEMF was canceled this year (it should have been this weekend). But they still did a full streaming line up of artists from all over. Got to see one of my Detroit native favorites, DJ Godfather. My girlfriend watched it with me and said she enjoyed the music. She had never seen a scratch artist before and also enjoyed that part of it. She is not normally a big fan of most dance music.
Two nice things about enjoying DEMF from home: air conditioning and the drinks are way cheaper.
Despite everything else that sucks, the first 3 days always seemed to be the hardest part for me. Hopefully you’re over the worst already, u got dis
Sometimes I want to talk about things but I get the vibe that most people dont care and some are even glad that I have problems…hence my demeanor…
Care bears dont care…anymore…personally I blame bath salts…
I hate the internet…I really hate finding dark shit on it…
hahaha fucking gout man. I’m laughing but that might actually be a problem for me too in some years.
haha, beer is real for sure, not lately though… I haven’t eaten meat for 14 years also. I have no idea why I get gout - my only leading suspicion is I have really high blood pressure (on meds for it even).
IDK. Sucks. This is like the fifth time. I’d like to think i eat fairly healthy, I’m not super overweight or anything either.
KINGS DISEASE AMIRITE
It’s finally clearing up now thank fuck
If this had any truth in it, I’d have been fucked by this a long time ago 
Alcohol isn’t healthy or anything, but for a lot of people meat isn’t exactly a poison when consumed in moderation
No I’m just having feels, I listen to alt rock not pop metal…wouldnt know slipknot lyrics if it hit me upside the head…
I wish i had the drive to make serious music, or rather, I wish that I still had a serious drive to make entire songs these days. i feel like I’ve lost a bit of the passion and its not necessarily my creativity but…it’s more like me looking around at other music and not wanting to be like that music and viewing it metaphorically as a barrel full of the same toy but in very, very slightly different colors, yet still all being the same thing. For a bit of context, I am in a death/doom metal band and we’ve got one EP that’s been out for 8 years and one debut album that we finished in late 2018 that has yet to come out, a whole other story that involves working with a small time label with limited funds, limited staff and the fact that our style doesn’t bring in any money. Anyway, I feel like many styles of music have gotten to the point where people are just copying each other ad nauseum and I just want to step away from that for a while as I feel like it affects my creativity towards writing new tunes. I’ll sit there and doodle with a part, like an intro into a main section and then it hits me that this isn’t anything special and then, I shelve it. i have nearly an entire new album’s worth of minute long starts to songs that i just went “meh” and stopped fucking with them, because they didn’t live up to my expectations of being different or unique enough to keep going on. It’s frustrating because I want to make something unique and special and maybe in some others’ perspective they might be so, yet i still just don’t like my creations enough to see them through. Writer’s block might be the wrong description for it, I can do my musical thing pretty easily but i always feel like “well this sounds like anything other people would do so bleh put it away now”. Maybe metal guitar players would relate more to what i’m describing than the more esoteric world of dance/techno/electronic music because it inherently has more freedom to reach out into murkier waters so to speak.
It’s almost like painting yourself into a corner with a music style. You make an album of one thing, it sounds good and you are proud of it but the next album has to be better and here you are sitting in this corner of a style you went with and it just ends up being more difficult to be creative within that style without repeating yourself. Add to that the fact that a thousand other bands are doing a similar thing and it just amounts to a big ? in my mind as to whether I should even keep going with it.
I know, I rambled. Well, you asked…or did you?
Damn. Ya’ll reading my mind or what? I was thinking of selling all my gear again (except my DJ gear because mixing other people’s great music is always fun) which would ostensibly mean my quitting making music.
And then I realized this is the first time in m life I actually own all my gear outright. Currently just paying down one no-interest payment plan. But nothing on paypal credit or credit cards. Even if I pack it all up in boxes why sell it? The money would just make me poor people rich for like a month.
I’m trying really hard to just ignore the stuff I don’t like about music culture. I’m trying to take my own stuff less seriously. I don’t mean, not doing my best or not caring how something sounds but just doing my best and finishing a project and putting out there so I can “I created that. I finished that. I enjoyed doing it. If someone else enjoys it, cool.”
And not to toot my own horn, I’m a hell of a lot better than a lot of people putting that is supposed to be taken seriously as a finished project. Just observation. Some of them are delusional, some just want to share.
I dunno, every time I think about quitting I’m like what even is the point of making that so final? OK, so you don’t do anything with music for like two years. So what? Do it when you feel it because it isn’t your career. Like, I’ve never thrown out all of my art or craft making supplies because occasionally I get the itch and though I’m only OK at drawing, I still like to do once in a while and I’m confident enough I usually don’t mind sharing the results with friends.
I do the same thing with writing. (I actually need to go through the cloud and HDDs and collect up all the random files).
I guess my point is why quit when you can put it down and pick up where you left off when you feel it?
damn, I feel this so hard.
Ever since I turned 30 a few years ago I’ve been on a downhill slump of motivation for very similar reasons.
We’re almost crossing into technological territory where yes, everything has been done. Everything is a recycled hybrid of everything. Nothing truly special exists anymore.
The internet has created a feedback loop of content generation at such a rate that artificial intelligence bands are now churning out passable material.
Everyone is a musician.
It’s simple make music from your feels…
Any of your feels…
If u depressed make music
If u angry make music
If u in love make music
If u happy make music
I mean u don’t have to be making music 24/7…point is when you reach your desired level then you create from your feels and use your imagination to transfer those feels into music…
If you don’t have the feels don’t make music.
Most of my music was technical experiment…then I did one concept album…
But as for the tracks that had feels, admittedly they were hit or miss…but hey I had the inspiration and looking back relistening to some of them were like oly shit that was good…the others are like technically ass so the feels didn’t translate…whateves.
One of my tracks that had feels behind it was…from idmf 053…She’s gone…I made that track as an ode to a person whom I witnessed make bad decisions like Walter white kinda bad…of whom I had to cut out of my life…cause there was no saving her.
So takeaway some the best music you can make comes from your feels.
Ive always just enjoyed the process. While I value having a goal, sometimes I think its important to do it just because. But always hit record!
I enjoy the process and trust me I’ve got doodles galore, like hundreds of em from all styles but doing serious songs kind of makes me feel like I’m running up a cliff.
Whats funny is that I wrote a whole new tune this weekend with some vocals after all that. I’m sort of satisfied with it but after a week that might change.
If I could get to sleep before…hrm…even 4am this coming evening (morning?) I’d be so grateful. I get tired at like 9:30pm like a grandpa…then if I make it an hour I get this crazy second wind and go to bed between 5-6am…fucking terrible.
Trying not to complain about my lex luthor and Lady macbeth on social media because they have nothing better to do than to stalk me by whichever means.
Also trying to cut back on social media because of some of the fauxtivism, failed attempt at philosophy via some social media posts. Overall Just a waste of time.
My feed is basically cat, star trek, dune and music memes and various other shitposting. I’ve just given up and accepted it as a digital drug that gets me that dopamine hit.