[HexPhosphorus]

This is a first draft that I started last night. I may change up the composition and I would like to add some vocals maybe.

[HexPhosphorus]

2nd Draft.

[dada_davros]

Needs more work imo. Guitars sound tinny, not enough low end (maybe that's my speakers though). Potential is def there and with vocals it can change the dynamics of a song a lot. Currently there isn't much dynamic range and industrial music thrives on that.
Those guitars should have some hair on their balls if you ask me, should feel like they are punching me in the face, currently they feel like they are brushing up against my leg.

[HexPhosphorus]

Got it.

In the meantime I think it sounds better at 162 BPM.

I am going to work on the guitar filters next.

[HexPhosphorus]

Is this better?

[Vault O)))]

Sounds kind of rushed or something (I'm one to talk, really). I like your trademark cut-up (and gaps within the slicing of) guitars as usual, but the song itself doesn't seem to progress in the long haul. It sounds like it could just be set on an infinite loop for a PSX demo (I mean that in an enjoyable way), and serves great for ambiance but not so much for a piece that progresses.

Again, I do the same thing in my music so I can't really offer any advice or real critique, but I enjoyed it as it is (basing this off of the most recent edit). It honestly sounds like a cool mash-up of styles that I've never heard before, almost like Pitchshifter's music but with some weirder ideas and loops thrown in.

Did you play the guitar or is it a sample? Either way wouldn't alter my opinion, but I'm curious


Edit: I based this off of post #4. Post #5 sounded like an entirely different song, so I was confused about what we were critiquing on.

[aikighost]

The top end needs taming and you need to lay off the brick wall compressor.

Needs dynamics and better mix of frequencies.

[Artificer]

Originally Posted by Vault O)))

Edit: I based this off of post #4. Post #5 sounded like an entirely different song, so I was confused about what we were critiquing on.

I think this is the root of much of your issue right here. Instead of making slight adjustments to individual elements you go and remix the entire track. I get that one thing leads to another but it's really difficult both as artist and critic to deal with massive directional changes on a regular basis. If you can make smaller changes to fewer things and post them it'll likely make it easier for us to give critiques and easier for you to track those changes.

I think you've got a really individual style and it's working for you. Most of your issues stem from mixing and sound design limiting the dynamics of the track. If you can make iterative changes to those things to make them sit better, you'll be well on your way.